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Quotes by Weekend Update

"Relative calm is expected in South Central Los Angeles for the next several weeks, as looters stay home and try to program their new VCRs."
By Weekend Update
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"I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretende
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By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reas
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By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call 'image fuzz-out.'
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By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little bl
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By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, 'Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship.' Oh, also I wish my last name was Bla
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By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go abo
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By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
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By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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