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Quotes by Woody Allen

"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?"
By Woody Allen
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"The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more."
By Woody Allen
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"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
By Woody Allen
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"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
By Woody Allen
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"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought---particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."
By Woody Allen
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"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."
By Woody Allen
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"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."
By Woody Allen
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"I am at two with nature."
By Woody Allen
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"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
By Woody Allen
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"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
By Woody Allen
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"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
By Woody Allen
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"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."
By Woody Allen
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"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead."
By Woody Allen
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"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to utter hopelessness and despair, the other to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
By Woody Allen
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"For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal"
By Woody Allen
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"We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi."
By Woody Allen
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"For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have."
By Woody Allen
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"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."
By Woody Allen
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"Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right."
By Woody Allen
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"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead."
By Woody Allen
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"Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end."
By Woody Allen
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"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
By Woody Allen
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"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"
By Woody Allen
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"There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."
By Woody Allen
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"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
By Woody Allen
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